Notes to the Self

Note 4
I sense an epiphany when I think of how humans have imposed a sense of time over the endless days on this planet. Time stretches across changing seasons, nights and days, while humans measure it by the calendar and the clock.

I feel grateful for the hours gained in activities that make me forget time. I feel most alive when I am thrown into a world of complete absorption, where the clock seems to disappear and I lose myself in the moment. I emerge from those hours feeling rested and grateful. May be living is about spending your time wisely but also losing your sense of time. 

Notes to the Self

Note 1: Survival 

I have written to you erratically, forgetting the resolution I once made to write at least a page every day. I have changes waiting for me in the form of a new location, new surroundings, new people, and a new version of me that will learn how to survive. 

I do not know whether I will be able to adjust to the changes in my schedule or find it easy to speak to the people around me. I have always been an awkward social being, more comfortable in my own little world. 

But change is on its way, whether I am ready for it or not. May be this time around, I will learn how to belong not just to survive in the new world. 

Notes to the Self

Note 2: Gratitude

I am grateful for the little pleasures that make up life. Here, I am transplanted to a new place and before coming I was worried about how I will be able to survive in a new location. 

I am grateful for this beautiful place that looks like a picture out of the photo album and the shrub of neelakurinji on the wayside that has flowered after twelve years. 

I am grateful for the necessities that become visible once I search for them and for the things that are placed along the path as if by the hand of Providence. 

Notes to the Self

Note 3: Soul Food

I have loved reading starting from a very young age. There were times when I was weary with life and felt that I could not go on. Surprisngly, I felt comforted by a book. The words written by some wise person living in another place or time had the power to turn your life around. 

I read these words of comfort as if they were written for my eyes only. I felt sustained by their wisdom and they added to my knowledge by helping me gather some jigsaw pieces coming together. It felt like these words were set before my eyes to nourish my strength and I am grateful that I tided over the crisis. 

slow down

99 Positive Affirmations

1. Asking for help is a sign of self-respect and self-awareness.

2. Changing my mind is a strength, not a weakness.

3. Every decision I make is supported by my whole and inarguable experience.

4. I affirm and encourage others, as I do myself.

5. I alone hold the truth of who I am.A sticky note held up reading, "I alone hold the trust of who I am". 

6. I am allowed to ask for what I want and what I need.

7. I am allowed to feel good.

8. I am capable of balancing ease and effort in my life.

9. I am complete as I am, others simply support me.

10. I am content and free from pain.

11. I am doing the work that works for me.

12. I am good and getting better.

13. I am growing and I am going at my own pace.

14. I am held and supported by those who love me.

15. I am in charge of how I feel and I choose to feel happy.

16. I am listening and open to the messages the universe has to offer today.

17. I am loved and worthy.

18. I am more than my circumstances dictate.

19. I am open to healing.

20. I am optimistic because today is a new day. A sticky note being held up to the sky, reading "I hold community for others, and am held in community by others".

21. I am peaceful and whole.

22. I am proof enough of who I am and what I deserve.

23. I am responsible for myself, and I start there.

24. I am safe and surrounded by love and support.

25. I am still learning so it’s okay to make mistakes.

26. I am understood and my perspective is important.

27. I am valued and helpful.

28. I am well-rested and excited for the day.

29. I am worthy of investing in myself.

30. I belong here, and I deserve to take up space

31. I breathe in healing, I exhale the painful things that burden my heart.

32. I breathe in trust, I exhale doubt.

33. I can be soft in my heart and firm in my boundaries.

34. I can control how I respond to things that are confronting.

35. I can hold two opposing feelings at once, it means I am processing.

36. I celebrate the good qualities in others and myself.

37. I deserve an affirming touch on my own terms.

38. I deserve information and I deserve moments of silence, too.

39. I deserve self-respect and a clean space.

40. I do all things in love.

41. I do not have to linger in dark places; there is help for me here.

42. I do not pretend to be anyone or anything other than who I am.

43. I do not rise and fall for another.

44. I do not rush through my life, I temper speed with stillness.

45. I embrace change seamlessly and rise to the new opportunity it presents.A sticky note held up reading "I nourish myself with kind words and joyful foods".

46. I embrace the questions in my heart and welcome the answers in their own time.

47. I grow towards my interests, like a plant reaching for the sun.

48. I have come farther than I would have ever thought possible, and I’m learning along the way.

49. I have everything I need to succeed.

50. I hold community for others, and am held in community by others.

51. I hold wisdom beyond knowledge.

52. I invite abundance and a generous heart.

53. I invite art and music into my life.

54. I leave room in my life for spontaneity.

55. I let go of the things that sit achingly out of reach.

56. I look forward to tomorrow and the opportunities that await me.

57. I love that I love what I love.

58. I make decisions based on a good gut, I make changes based on a growing heart.

59. I make time to experience grief and sadness when necessary.

60. I nourish myself with kind words and joyful foods.

61. I practice gratitude for all that I have, and all that is yet to come.

62. I release the fears that do not serve me.

63. I respect the cycle of the seasons.

64. I seek out mystery in the ordinary.

65. I strive for joy, not for perfection.A sticky note held up, reading "I welcome the wisdom that comes with growing older". 

66. I tell the truth about who I am and what I need from others.

67. I uplift my joy and the joy of others.

68. I welcome the wisdom that comes with growing older.

69. I welcome what is, I welcome what comes.

70. I will allow myself to evolve.

71. Letting go creates space for opportunities to come.

72. My body is beautiful in this moment and at its current size.

73. My body is worthy of being cared for and adorned in beautiful garments.

74. My feelings deserve names, deserve recognition, deserve to be felt.

75. My heart is open to helpfulness from myself and from others.

76. My heart knows its own way.

77. My life is not a race or competition.

78. My perspective is unique and important.

79. My pleasure does not require someone else’s pain.

80. My sensitivity is beautiful, and my feelings and emotions are valid.A sticky note held up in front of a brick wall, reading "My sensitivity is beautiful, and my feelings and emotions are valid". 

81. My weirdness is wonderful.

82. Saying “no” is an act of self-affirmation, too.

83. Sometimes the work is resting.

84. There is growth in stillness.

85. There is peace in changing your mind when it is done in love.

86. There is poetry in everything, if I look for it.

87. There is room for me at the table.

88. There is something in this world that only I can do. That is why I am here.

89. There is strength in quiet, there is vulnerability in being loud.

90. Today I celebrate that I am younger than I’m ever going to be.

91. Today is an opportunity to grow and learn.

92. When I feel fear, I feed trust.

93. When I focus on my reason for being, I am infinitely brave.

94. When I forgive myself, I free myself.

95. When I release shame, I move into myself more beautifully.

96. When I root into the earth, the earth rises to support me.

97. When I speak my needs, I receive them abundantly.

98. When I talk to myself as I would a friend, I see all my best qualities and I allow myself to shine.

99. Words may shape me, but they do not make me. I am here already.

Dreamtime

 

This is the part of the dreaming earth that you become part of when you sleep or when you reach the ecstasy of creation, the place from where you learn the mysteries of the universe, from this deep slumber where you wake up refreshed and rejuvenated. 

The place where your flow activities take you, where you lose your sense of time and you step into kairos time and return back to chronos time having been part of creative forces. 

The place where your body rests in the rhythms of nature, in the cycles of sun, moon and the transits of the planets and you feel one with life in the universe. Then, this food that you eat and the love that you cherish becomes medicine that feeds your joy of living. 

You learn that all this knowledge shared in the times about this universe is all relative and arbitrary; that you need to learn wisdom from the wise to help you live better and to trust your own intuition so that you can recognise what your heart wants. 

This rest, this break, this act of doing nothing but rest and sleep and restore has been nothing but magic, of trusting in the divine timing of the universe. 

best

Love

Dear Self

Shivsakthi Talks

The Unsent Letters

 

 

Dear Sean, 

Just the other day, I heard the song Phir Le Aaya Dil from the movie Barfi on the radio. I was transported to the time when we were head over heels in love with each other. When I think of our days at college, I wonder how naive we were and what a beautiful bond we shared. 
 

For me, you were a refuge from the troubles of this world and your hand held unconditional support in those days. Now, in an era of infinite longing, I am reminded of those good old days of togetherness,whenever I hear this song. 

Love

Berry 

 

The Unsent Letters

Dear Sean

Do you remember how you had given me a CD of popular songs and soon they became my favourites as well. It was your way of making people happy that made you a favourite among them.  I was smitten by your charm and what was missing after you were gone was your ways of making one feel special.

The OSTs from popular movies were my favourites- be it Titanic or Armageddon or Robinhood. Our world revolved around discussions about books, films and music. This year, as I am making a playlist memories of our candid chats pop up before me and once again I feel happy to have met you though we lost touch somewhere along the way. This year, I will create a playlist for you so that you will get a chance to listen to my favourites and croon them in your melodious way.

Love

Berry

 

Two of Cups

Though we may be apart, in a sense we are always together, across all lives, present and future. For this sense of aloneness creeps on you when you stand in the crowds.

You are my other half, my twin flame in this life, for it is with you that my dreams run wild and I weave stories of togetherness in an unreal realm. And, I have become like you in the years that followed.

In a way, when I look back on life, like a traditional Indian bride, I have walked with you around every revolution around the sun, I have stayed loyal to your love and held your name holy like a talisman.

You are my other self, whom I do not know for I have never seen you as you really are, for I was struck blind by your light. Yet I know you were with me in each and every circle round the holy fire and will find you near me in every dream. 

Even when I dream, you are with me and I return to your thoughts time and again just to hold your hand in an unreal realm where rules don't matter and hearts speak only the truth. In another world, in a parallel universe, we celebrate our life of eternal togetherness.

It is destiny that brought us together and again we spend our time chatting away about how life has been during these years of absence. I dream of a life of togetherness again, stargazing or soul gazing or learning more of each other.

And, though apart in real, in every circambulation around the sun, you and I will grow together in wisdom and though our lives will remain apart, you and I will find that this sense of oneness with each other in spirit, that itself is a reason for celebration. 

 

Green Again

A bit of bright blue sky to sing aloud;  

A pelt of rain to sleep comfortably;
A bit of thunder and lightning to look
And feel brave and happy at times.

The swooping  airshow by the kites;
Caught by the eye and not on the lens,
The evening palettes in hues of blue,
That brings back some thoughts of you.

Like a chorus in a song, you play nonstop,
While I watch the skies and the rain,
Look at the fresh green banyan leaves
Turn wan in the summer sun like me.

The tiny heart-shaped leaves will flicker,
And our hearts will turn green once again.

Us

I have a self that knows years of sense and more nonsense. I stand alone in crowds yet walk with you in green fields at the same time. I run in many new paths sitting at my armchair though I never leave my  world but for fresh signs or old paths. 

You are my other self, whom I do not know for I have never seen you as you really are, for I was struck blind by your light. and love was something that naturally followed. You were not with me in the physical sense yet I know you were with me in each and every circle round the holy fire and will find you near me in every dream.  

You are my favourite daydream that I return to time and again just to hold your hand in an unreal realm where rules don't matter and hearts speak only the truth. In another world, in a different circle of life, you and I will win our eternal game of love and may understand each other perfectly well. For us, time and space have never been important concerns for both of us and all that remains is the sense of unconditional love for the self and the other.

A lament about lost love: K R Meera's novella Meera Sadhu

Love is like milk, with the passage of time,it sours, splits and becomes poison.

The novel portrays the tragic life of Tulsi torn between duty and love and she chooses to run away with Madhavan instead of marrying her classmate Vinayan. She finds that though she loves Vinayan, she gets carried off her feet by the kind of love that Madhavan gives her.

She runs away with Madhavan on the eve of her wedding though she knows from his own mouth that she is his 27th girlfriend. Soon, she recognises that she does not have a role in his life and the story is a lament about lost love.

Through lyrical passages that describe the desire that Madhavan arouses in Tulsi, the author captures the beauty of love buy equally descriptive are her details about his treachery in love, the countless women that he has relations with. This wounds her and she grieves how she sacrificed her career and her life for the sake of the man she chose to be with in life.

The novel details the transformation of Tulsi from a loving wife to Meera Sadhu grieving her life and serving others in the ghats of Varanasi. The frequent shifts in time cleverly portray her memories about her marital life including the good times and the bad times.

The Wanderers

You were a wanderer who left behind your hometown to start a new life, to prove yourself in the eyes of your near and dear ones. I was a dreamer who could listen with wonder to your ramblings and walk with you everywhere, one who could go places without leaving my favourite armchair.  

In the many years of absence from each other, you and I travelled together across many exotic lands. From these wanderings, we have gathered so much of wisdom and have arrived at a place of mutual understanding. I stand alone in crowds yet walk with you in green fields at the same time. I run in many new paths sitting at my armchair though I never leave my  world but for fresh signs or old paths. 

You are my other self, whom I do not know for I have never seen you as you really are, for I was struck blind by your light. Yet I know you were with me in each and every circle round the holy fire and will find you near me in every dream.  

You are my favourite daydream that I return to time and again just to hold your hand in an unreal realm where rules don't matter and hearts speak only the truth. In another world, in a different circle of life, you and I will win our eternal game of love.  

In the long years you have been away, I have glimpsed you in many forms but not in real but I still remember your strong belief in sticking to your dreams and nothing else. For me, who have lately started following your footsteps, the world looks new and vistas inviting.  

May be this is not a dream at all but a piece taken out of tattered lives like yours and mine, but when these words come to fruition, it is more achingly perfect than anything else heard, felt or seen. And, together we travel across the blue waters resting in an understanding that goes beyond words with a love that recompenses the eons lost and gone. 

Ode to the Mysore Pak

The days had become miserable, marked by medicines taken in the hope of sleep. Nights passed counting sheep, while the days that followed were clouded by the drowsiness of accumulated sleep debt. I do not know why I had been feeling so low when a simple piece of Mysore pak came to usher a little sweetness into an otherwise dreary life.

It was on an ordinary day of weariness that my neighbour brought over a few sweets to savour—a piece of Mysore pak and a selection of Kerala sweets. Many people prefer the rich, ghee-soaked version of Mysore pak, but I have always liked the dry variety, with its crumbly texture and understated sweetness.

That day, when my spirits had sunk to one of their lowest points, the sweet seemed to possess an unexpected grace. I wanted to savour every bite, allowing its sweetness to linger. The moment became strangely profound. That humble piece of Mysore pak rekindled a joie de vivre that had quietly slipped away over the previous days.

It was, after all, only an ordinary sweet. Yet it possessed the remarkable power to lift the spirit out of its rut and remind me that happiness sometimes arrives in the smallest, most unassuming forms. In a season overshadowed by sleeplessness and fatigue, that simple offering became more than a confection; it became a gentle reminder that life's sweetness often returns when we least expect it.

Evenings at the Indian Coffee House

In this middle age, I wonder how life has turned out to be, so different from the images that I had when someone asked me to imagine how life will be after ten years. I have always dreamt of you at my side as my life-partner, with two lovely children of ours to greet the days, a comfortable set of old friends to grow old together and a cosy little home that I took time to decorate with curios from the places we visited together as a couple and a huge library of all the books that we used to read. 

But when I reached this milestone all I have is a history of losses- the disappointment of a broken love that almost came to fruition, the years spent trying to pull yourself back together, the indifference of your loved ones, the absence of real friends and the lacks that are spelt so clearly and in bold letters everyday. It has been years since you called anyone a friend as you have only acquiantances and you never offer a shoulder to cry as you used to do before nor ask solace from anyone despite of being miserable and broken. You wear a brave face in the crowds and break down miserably in your solitude as you plod on with your busy everyday life. 

Then in the evenings and weekends you form a bond with your workmate and share the same sense of joy at the aroma of freshly ground coffee and piping hot Masala dosa at your favourite haunt, the old Coffee House in the city. On some busy days, you have to scream to make your companion understand what you are trying to say, all amidst the hustle and bustle of the staff in the old Coffeehouse, full of life. 

Over a period of months, we form a unique bond, minus our histories and sad luggage, looking forward to what is served on the menu only with a common love shared for solitary hangouts be it an evening by the seashore or a quiet swim in the nearby river. Gradually, your sad face attains a brightness of being loved in return without knowing any of your past  wounds and your time is spent in tasting the old brew of hot coffee and eating the same Masala dosas. We write a life of being in the moment -looking forward to our days of favourite comfort food at our favourite hangout.