Madness

The pale hairy hands stretch from a white coat,
A falsely made happy face enquires about you,
Was it yesterday that you had screamed aloud,
Asked for euthanasia and that you want to die,
While he looked worried and showed you
Pictures of shapes and spaces and flowers
Describe this: You told him of Carl Gustav Jung,
About Freud and what you have read,
Anima and Animus and the theories meant,
The male creative spirit in the female,
The female creative spirit in the male,
The pictures that Jung used to treat people.

The doctor ordered the nurses to sedate you,
Till you remember nothing of Jung or Freud.

The victim of a mousetrap

"An Introduction" by Kamala Das

I don’t know politics but I know the names
Of those in power, and can repeat them like
Days of week, or names of months, beginning with Nehru.
I am Indian, very brown, born in Malabar,
I speak three languages, write in
Two, dream in one.
Don’t write in English, they said, English is
Not your mother-tongue. Why not leave
Me alone, critics, friends, visiting cousins,
Every one of you? Why not let me speak in
Any language I like? The language I speak,
Becomes mine, its distortions, its queernesses
All mine, mine alone.
It is half English, half Indian, funny perhaps, but it is honest,
It is as human as I am human, don’t
You see? It voices my joys, my longings, my
Hopes, and it is useful to me as cawing
Is to crows or roaring to the lions, it
Is human speech, the speech of the mind that is
Here and not there, a mind that sees and hears and
Is aware. Not the deaf, blind speech
Of trees in storm or of monsoon clouds or of rain or the
Incoherent mutterings of the blazing
Funeral pyre. I was child, and later they
Told me I grew, for I became tall, my limbs
Swelled and one or two places sprouted hair.
When I asked for love, not knowing what else to ask
For, he drew a youth of sixteen into the
Bedroom and closed the door, He did not beat me
But my sad woman-body felt so beaten.
The weight of my breasts and womb crushed me.
I shrank Pitifully.
Then … I wore a shirt and my
Brother’s trousers, cut my hair short and ignored
My womanliness. Dress in sarees, be girl
Be wife, they said. Be embroiderer, be cook,
Be a quarreller with servants. Fit in. Oh,
Belong, cried the categorizers. Don’t sit
On walls or peep in through our lace-draped windows.
Be Amy, or be Kamala. Or, better
Still, be Madhavikutty. It is time to
Choose a name, a role. Don’t play pretending games.
Don’t play at schizophrenia or be a
Nympho. Don’t cry embarrassingly loud when
Jilted in love … I met a man, loved him. Call
Him not by any name, he is every man
Who wants. a woman, just as I am every
Woman who seeks love. In him . . . the hungry haste
Of rivers, in me . . . the oceans’ tireless
Waiting. Who are you, I ask each and everyone,
The answer is, it is I. Anywhere and,
Everywhere, I see the one who calls himself I
In this world, he is tightly packed like the
Sword in its sheath. It is I who drink lonely
Drinks at twelve, midnight, in hotels of strange towns,
It is I who laugh, it is I who make love
And then, feel shame, it is I who lie dying
With a rattle in my throat. I am sinner,
I am saint. I am the beloved and the
Betrayed. I have no joys that are not yours, no
Aches which are not yours. I too call myself I.

Tribute to Kamala Suraiyya

I want to be loved
And
If love is not to be had,
I want to be dead; just dead. (Kamala Das)

Kamala Das aka Kamala Suraiyya aka Madhavikutty reigned in Malayalam literature like a queen. One of first feminist writers in India, she was a prolific writer who wrote both in English and in Malayalam. She died today after being hospitalised because of respiratory troubles. A tribute to her, this afternoon on hearing about her death.

You were brave enough to bare your soul,
When other women played with hypocrisy,
You dared to speak of things that mattered,
To a woman more than anything-love.

Your quests for love shadowed your stories,
Poems revealed the highs and lows of love,
True to the dictum that poetry is a song
From a broken heart or a smiling mouth.

Others followed the trail that you had set,
In a land swallowed by traditions and rules,
You broke all rules to follow your own heart,
Frank, straight and a trigger of controversies.

Mother, your words soar like the eagle you're,
Lone but high above in the clear blue skies.

An empty garden pond

One single waterlily
In pond can splash colours,
Make a huge difference.

New god-daughter

The Brilliant Girl

Recently I had the good fortune to take Communicative English classes for a group of 16 girls from a poor home. Most of them could hardly speak in English when they came and some of them who could speak English were scared of making mistakes. However with time, they picked up the nuts of bolts of Spoken English and managed to speak "a little" (their own words) English and that too without fear. It was a struggle to help them overcome their inhibitions and negativities; but they did emerge out of their coccoons. For the class farewell, they prepared a story line of a girl who is persecuted by everybody around her. But in my hands, the story acquired a slightly different colour- that of independence and self-reliance. Though quite long and of little higher standard for them, these girls did a good job on the final day, making me proud of them. I'm happy that such a small exercise improved their confidence by leaps and bounds! For you, my brilliant girls, THE BRILLIANT GIRL!

Scene 1 (Coordinator, The Principal, Merlin, Sania, Reshmi and the crowd)

(The scene is set in the auditorium of a reputed college in the city. There are several people seated on the dais. The principal, three students and a coordinator.)

Coordinator: Welcome dear teachers and students to this function felicitating a few of our brilliant students. We shall begin the function with a prayer song.

(A group of girls come and sing a devotional song.)

Coordinator: Thank you, girls, for the prayer song. Next we begin the official meeting. We are gathered here to announce an important landmark in the history of our college. According to the university, three of our students have secured very high marks in the first year exams. I cordially invite our Principal to say a few words about this achievement.

The Principal: Today is a happy day for our college. As you know, three of our students have achieved good results in the first year exam. I congratulate Merlin, Sania and Reshmi for scoring the highest marks in their subjects. But this is only the first year and we need consistent results until the final year. So I urge you to study well in the future as well. Congratulations and all the best for the future!

Coordinator: Next, I would like to invite the three students, Merlin, Sania and Reshmi for sharing their happiness with you.

Merlin: Respected Principal and teachers and my dear friends, first of all I would like to thank God for this blessing. The credit for this definitely goes to my teachers, family and friends who have always given their full support .I would like to thank the Principal, my teachers and friends on this occasion. Also, my mother who has worked hard to educate me.

(There is applause. A lot of people clap their hands while Sania and Reshmi do not move at all and mutter to each other)

Sania: Why does she have to be so good to all?
Reshmi: That's because she's no good at all.

Coordinator: Thank you Merlin for giving such a wonderful speech. Next I invite Sania, who is the daughter of Dr. Thomas, our PTA chairman to come and share the secrets of her success.

Sania: Dear Principal, Teachers and friends, I am happy to say that my hard work was not in vain. This high score is definitely a result of getting up so early for the tuitions. As you know it's difficult to study these days without tuitions. My parents have always given me the best tuition teachers in the city. I want to tell all of you to study hard and score high marks in the exams. Thank you. (There is hooting from the crowd, though some applause is also heard)

Coordinator: Thank you Sania. Next I invite Reshmi to come and give her speech.

Reshmi: Hello everybody, I want to say a few words about this victory. As most of you know, I studied abroad in Dubai during my school days (hooting from the crowd) and was exposed to learning methods quite unlike the methods in Kerala. It took some time for me to become friends with you all. The secret of my victory is my learning habit using the internet as a study tool. If you want to become a top-scorer, buy a computer and start learning using the internet. Thank you.

(The hooting is very loud.)

Coordinator: I offer my sincere thanks to the Principal, teachers and students. The meeting is concluded.

Scene 2 (The Principal, Reshmi, Sania, Peon and Gita)

Outside the Principal's office, Reshmi and Sania are waiting for the Principal to finish speaking to an office staff.

Reshmi: Why did you have to speak about your tuitions? That's why they hooted at us.
Sania: Oh your Dubai background was not that helpful either.

Principal: Check whether all applications are correct and signed by students. Then they are to be sealed with the college seal and with my signature seal. Also, some students can just submit the application because they have don't have to pay the fees. But you need to verify their backgrounds. Like Merlin for example, does not have to pay fees.

Office staff: Ok madam, I will check all the details.

Reshmi and Sania: Good morning, Madam.

The Principal: What is it girls?

Sania: Madam, we wanted to see you about something. Our parents were very happy that we had good scores in the exam. So they have sent cheques towards the PTA fund. Here is the cheque my father gave for 25000 rupees.

Reshmi: Madam, This is the cheque my mother sent for 30000 rupees.

The Principal: Tell your parents my sincere thanks for this gesture. We will utilise this for developing more facilities and for the education of poor girls.

Reshmi: Madam, is it true that Merlin does not pay fees?

The Principal: Oh you overheard my conversation with Gita. Yes, that's true. Her father passed away last year and her mother is ill.

Sania: Ill, madam? She's working in a textiles shop in the city. I have seen her once outside the college gate, waiting for Merlin. I know her because they stay very near to our house.

The Principal: Are you sure Sania, it's the same person? Because it was only last week, Merlin came and asked for exemption from fees because her mother had an accident.

Reshmi: Then, madam, she must have had her accident recently. But Merlin's not that poor.
The Principal: What are you saying Reshmi? Are you trying to mislead me?

Sania: Madam, we are sorry. But our parents will send more money next year. May we leave now?

The Principal: Wait. Gita, bring Merlin’s admission form.

Gita: (goes to a cupboard and takes out a sheet of paper) Yes madam, here it is. She had first rank in SSLC.

Gita: The Principal: No about her income.

Gita: Her father was in the government service. He died last year. Her mother works in a textile shop as a salesperson. Income is given as 5000 per month.

The Principal: Ok, girls, now you can go. You might be right. I need to check whether her story is true or not.

(The girls leave. Presses a button and peon comes)

The Principal: Ask Merlin to come and see me.

Scene 3
(Merlin, the Principal)

Merlin: (knocks at the door) Good Morning madam. Did you ask for me?

The Principal: Yes, Merlin. I wanted to know a few things about you. Last week, you came and requested for fee exemption. But on checking your admission form, it was found that your father was in the government service and that your mother is working in a textile shop; while what you told me was that your mother was ill.

Merlin: (shocked) Madam, it's true that my father was a government servant and that we will get pension. But we have not got pension, though it's a year after his death. Mother had an accident last month and we require a lot of money for her treatment.

The Principal: You can borrow from somebody and give it back when the pension comes. Where do you live, Merlin?

Merlin: We live in PTP Nagar near Sania's house.

The Principal: You can be exempted from fees only if you get a letter of recommendation from the PTA Chairman.

Merlin: Dr. Thomas? Sania's father? Yes, madam, I request him for a letter of recommendation.

The Principal: If you do not bring the letter tomorrow; you will not be able to write the exams.
Merlin: Yes, madam.

Scene 4

Merlin's home (Amma, Merlin)

Amma: Oh you are home? Renu wanted to see you. It's her birthday and she brought some payasam with her. It's on the table.

Merlin: yeah.

Amma: What happened Merlin? Yesterday you were so happy about your high marks. What happened to you?

Merlin: Nothing, Amma. Just feeling a little tired.

Amma: That's because you work hard at home and at college. Take rest and after that go and see Renu.

Merlin: I will drink the payasam later. I will wish Renu and come.

Scene 5

Renu's house (Renu, Merlin)

Merlin: (rings the bell)I hope she likes this present.

Renu: Come in, Merlin.

Merlin: (hugs Renu) Happy Birthday, Renu.

Renu: Thanks dear. I'm glad that you remembered. Why were you late today? I came to see you an hour ago.

Merlin: What to say, Renu? Something bad happened to me today. The Principal has asked me pay the examination fees because she thinks I'm not poor.

Renu: But you are not poor, Merlin.

Merlin: Exactly dear. I didn't want to worry Amma. So I went and asked the Principal for a fee exemption. She had agreed but later she asked for a letter of recommendation from Dr. Thomas as proof.

Renu: Dr. Thomas? You mean the doctor who's treating your Amma?

Merlin: I went to see him but it was Sania who answered the door. She said her father has gone for a conference in Delhi. I told her that I wanted a letter of recommendation and she said he won’t be back until next Friday.

Renu: She must be lying.

Merlin: Even I thought so.

Renu: What will you do now? You know that Ravi is saving money to marry us off. It's bad to be born a girl when you are a burden to your parents.

Merlin: I was thinking about going for work at Alappat.

Renu: What? You see Merlin, I am not intelligent like you but I think you should not stop your studies. What will happen to your dream of becoming an IAS officer?

Merlin: That will remain a dream. There is nobody whom I can borrow money from.

Renu: You won so many medals in tenth and twelfth. Now you are thinking of leaving studies? What's with you, Merlin?

Merlin: Oh my god! That reminds me of something. I have that gold medal I got from Sastra Sahitya Parishad for highest scores in SSLC. I will sell that.

Renu: Are you going to sell that?

Merlin: What use does it have anyway? I did not tell Amma because it will worry her and make her more ill.

Renu: Ok, I will come with you now.

Scene 6
College. A crowd of girls are waiting in a queue outside the office. Sania and Reshmi come and stand in the queue. They see Merlin who has already paid the fees and is walking towards her class.

Sania: Merlin?
Merlin: Yes, what is it, Sania?

Sania: Did you get a letter of recommendation?
Reshmi: Are you writing the exam or are you going to work in a shop?

Merlin: Why do you want to know Sania? Did your father suddenly come back from Delhi last night? I met him at the grocer’s this morning.

Sania: Yeah, he had to come back soon.
Merlin: That’s OK, Sania. Thanks for the concern.

Scene 7
Merlin’s home (Merlin, Students, Amma and Renu)
Merlin is teaching a group of students. They are singing nursery rhymes.

Merlin: Children, That’s all for today. You can go home now.
Students: Thank you teacher.

They give her money as they go and she counts them.
Merlin goes inside and talks to her mother.

Merlin: Amma, I got 3000 rupees from this month’s tuition. That’s enough for running the household expenses.

Amma: Oh Merlin. That’s more than enough. Now I can go back to work from next month.
Merlin: But the happiest news was when the Principal announced a merit scholarship for completing education yesterday. You should have seen the crowd and the applause.

Amma: I’m so happy, Merlin. You have worked hard. That’s why. Above all, you are earning from the tuitions as well. You can stop them once I get back to work. Dr. Thomas said that I was getting better and better.

Merlin: No Amma. I learned how to earn by myself, how to earn while I learn. So I’m sure that this income will make me independent and confident in the future.

Renu comes in.
Amma: Hello Renu, where were you?

Renu: I was at work, Aunty. Now seeing Merlin work so hard, I told my mother to let me go for work. So I got a job in a DTP Centre because I have learnt computer and typing.

Merlin: That’s the spirit, Renu. Are you coming with me to buy a blackboard for my students?
Renu: Oh you got your money?

Merlin: Yes and a scholarship for complete education as well. I want a board so that I can take bigger classes at home.
Renu: You are sure a brilliant girl.
Amma: Both of you are brilliant and independent as well.

Garden flowers

Mouse in the mousetrap

Mousetrap

To err is human; but to laugh is natural!

Once in a while, as an English teacher and learner, I encounter certain errors in usage. It's not normal to hide your mirth when somebody says: I passed away in 2004" when the right sentence should be "I passed out in 2004".

Still, students are students. The inspiration for this article came from a test that I gave my students today. They were asked to write the meaning of the word "greasy" and use it in a sentence.

Well, they did and three of them put their heads together in spite of my strict vigilance. The result was a rare gem.The three answers went like this:

Ramu is a greasy man.
He is a greasy man.
Ravi is a greasy man.

How did all these guys become greasy? Well,I saw that one of them has written the meaning of greasy as " Helpful"!

Word addiction

You may find it amusing but sometimes while having food alone, I find myself reaching for the pickle jar; so that I can read the information on the label. It's not that I don't know what's in the pickle; I guess it's a habit or rather an addiction to printed words.

This might extend to the information on creams, food products, cleaning solutions, toothpastes and so on. On some print-deprived days, there is a longing to read something strange, something new and pleasant. These are the days on which I set forth in the blogosphere for interesting reads and stumble across some good blog like that of Swapna. 

For a lost friend

A green-dot on my screen,
Dribbles my heart with pain,
Remembering a lost lifeline.

Focus, focus, focus

The snap of a cow taken in jest. My folks teased me about being snap-crazy. So this one, I took while on a trip home.

To a Lost Self

Like a strain of music, long forgotten,
You were lost somewhere along the way.
The song that you were faded in memory,
Only to resurface all on a sudden.

That song that you sang so beautifully,
How you could make a garland with tears,
With songs and tie it around my neck,
Suddenly played upon my lips unaware.

You and me were strange and unique,
Who were happy just by being together;
We could gaze into each other's eyes,
For hours and still be happy.

Now that years have passed after the song,
Even I know how to tie garlands with tears.

Home

My home comes to me as an image,
Mauve-coloured walls, clean floor,
A dream that we all built together,
With prayers and with lots of effort.

It lost its value only because of me,
One erring step of mine crumbled.
The beautiful interiors, sunlit walls,
Floors of white remain unexposed,

Often I think about unlocking it,
Just to wander through its space,
A sacred space, mine, ours, yours,
Now remains locked to all eyes.

The day of your rescue isn’t far,
When time will heal all rifts.

2 a.m.

The hospital smells of disinfectants.
Outside the ICU, a watchful crowd,
Waits on the chairs and on floor,
Crouched on bedsheets.

They watch the door, open and close,
Every time, as the duty nurses,
Whisper the news of change-
Death or recovery or medicine.

Each time, the ears listen,
Sleeping men and women,
Sit up and listen to the name,
The nurses utter this time.

This time, the nurse walks,
Towards a dark frail girl,
Sitting for days together,
In her crumpled pale sari.

She screams "Amma"
Falls to the ground weeping,
As her father mourns quietly,
Her sobs shake her body.

Now and then she screams,
Utters the word "Amma",
Looks up with swollen eyes,
For the approach of more news.

The stretcher is rolled out,
From the ICU, by staff,
Her sobs grow loud and wild
At the sight of her dead mother.

For days, she had sat outside,
Meeting her mother twice a day,
Three minutes at a time,
Her sobs are muted by tiredness.

The eyes, where life flickered
And love shone is still and closed.
Denied a word with parting spirit,
She retreats into a blank silence.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the approbation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty; To find the best in others; To give of one's self; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; To have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived - This is to have succeeded.

Meditation

What wonders have time brought, All at my window. The numbers keep changing, Every day new life springs, Out of old ways of thought. Oneness with the universe, With a thousand kindred souls, Spread across the earth, Space and time and universe. Sitting before my gizmo, I wander with delight, Through snow-covered landscapes, Gather in my curious hands Sheaves of snow-sprinkled wheat. A bird spreading its wings, The earth from space or a tiny flower A thousand scented candles- All new ways of bringing me back, To my centre, my self- All at my window. 

On the death of the Beloved

By John O’Donohue

Though we need to weep your loss, 
You dwell in that safe place in our hearts, 
Where no storm or night or pain can reach you.

Your love was like the dawn
Brightening over our lives
Awakening beneath the dark
A further adventure of colour.

The sound of your voice
Found for us
A new music
That brightened everything.

Whatever you enfolded in your gaze
Quickened in the joy of its being; 
You placed smiles like flowers
On the altar of the heart. 
Your mind always sparkled 
With wonder at things.

Though your days here were brief, 
Your spirit was live, awake, complete.

We look towards each other no longer
From the old distance of our names; 
Now you dwell inside the rhythm of breath, 
As close to us as we are to ourselves.

Though we cannot see you with outward eyes, 
We know our soul’s gaze is upon your face, 
Smiling back at us from within everything
To which we bring our best refinement.

Let us not look for you only in memory, 
Where we would grow lonely without you. 
You would want us to find you in presence, 
Beside us when beauty brightens, 
When kindness glows
And music echoes eternal tones.

When orchids brighten the earth, 
Darkest winter has turned to spring; 
May this dark grief flower with hope
In every heart that loves you.

May you continue to inspire us:

To enter each day with a generous heart. 
To serve the call of courage and love
Until we see your beautiful face again
In that land where there is no more separation, 
Where all tears will be wiped from our mind, 
And where we will never lose you again.