Home

Home is where your heart goes back time and again, where you want to spend your quality time enjoying the activities that you like. Home is the elated feeling that you experience when you reach the city that you grew up after being away from it. You love glimpses of your city in films or snaps an even recognize locations just by looking closely at the public spaces.

Home is the city that you travel through every day and still feel that there is more to explore, places you have never been to and places which you know like the palm of your hand. It’s always with a sense of curiosity and streak of curiosity that you love to explore its nooks and corners along with your soul friend and you just love the comfort of your favourite hangouts such as the museum campus or the beaches or the coffeehouses.

Home is your sacred space, the altar that you have created for everything that you hold close to your heart. Home is a place where I am comfortable, candid and naughty, real and authentic. Home is not four walls but the familiar comfortable space that you curl up with a well-thumbed book and a cup of coffee.

Home is you. You are my home, the safe space that you return to every time for solace far from the strife of this world. You are my home, a place of comfort that I want to wake up in and go to sleep in and cherish every time your thought crosses my mind. Home is your memory that I carry safe in my heart, safe and sacred like a talisman throughout the years and where I wander every time this world becomes too much to bear.

goat days

Goat Days

Goat Days, written by the Gulf Malayali Benyamin and translated by Joseph Koyillapally, is worth reading and worth remembering as well. Like Yann Martel's Booker-winning Life of Pi, Goat Days captures the ordeals of an innocent man in a hell beyond his imagination and creates an animal allegory to drive home his message. 

Najeeb has the typical Malayali dream, of being in the Gulf and sending money home. His desires resemble the luxuries of a Gulf-returned Malayali: “ a gold watch, fridge, TV, car, AC, tape recorder, VCP, a heavy gold chain”. He lands in Riyadh on a visa sent by his friend's brother-in-law but the life that awaits him there does not resemble his earlier idea of a gulf life. 

He finds himself in a masara tending goats, camels and sheep; working day and night; feeding them and milking them; in fact, living like one of them. He forgets even the simple pleasures of his former life such as wasing himself or even the right to privacy while defecating. However, he finds the company of the animals more comforting than that of the cruel and inhuman arbab. He longs for his homeland, the bath in the river, the presence of his family and for rain.When Najeeb breaks out of his masara and runs away, it is a huge step towards the unknown. Like Pi, Najeeb thanks God for being with him during his ordeal. 

Readable and memorable, Goat Days represents the ordeals of many Indian immigrants across the Gulf countries, the reality of which is glossed over by the glittering opulence of the few lucky ones. It is surely a slice of real life. May be a goat's life. 

I am waiting eagerly to watch the film adaptation and to reread the book to see the similarities and differences. 

Teddy Day: Dreams

Though we may be apart, in a sense we are always together, across all lives, present and future. For this sense of being alone, creeps on you even when you stand in crowds and even when you are with your friends.

You are my other half, my twin flame in this life, for it is with you that my dreams run wild and I weave stories of togetherness in an unreal realm. And, I have become like you in the years that followed.

In a way, when I look back on life, like a traditional Indian bride, I have walked with you around every revolution around the sun, I have stayed loyal to your love and held your name holy like a talisman.

You are my other self, whom I do not know for I have never seen you as you really are, for I was struck blind by your light. Yet I know you were with me in each and every circle round the holy fire and will find you near me in every dream. 

Even when I dream, you are with me and I return to your thoughts time and again just to hold your hand in an unreal realm where rules don't matter and hearts speak only the truth. In another world, in a parallel universe, we celebrate our life of eternal togetherness.

It is destiny that brought us together and again we spend our time chatting away about how life has been during these years of absence. I dream of a life of togetherness again, stargazing or soul gazing or learning more of each other.

And, though apart in real, in every circambulation around the sun, you and I will grow together in wisdom and though our lives will remain apart, you and I will find that this sense of oneness with each other in spirit, that itself is a reason for celebration.

#teddyday

 

Teddy Day: Dreams

• Love me like you do
• Kabhi neem neem
• Atak gaya hai
• I'll make love to you
• Eternal flame
• O Sanam
• Aliyambal
• Ninakente Manasile
• Tum Se Hi
• Nahin Samne

Chocolate Day Playlist

• Phir Mohabbat
• Sawan Aaya Hai
• Samjhawan
• Enna Sona
• Shape of You
• Tu Hi Hai
• Innu Konjam Neram
• Oru Venal Puzhayil
• Athmavil Mutti Vilichathu Pole
• Poongatinoum Kilikalodum 

Chocolate Day: Chocolate Evenings

We met each other for the first time two decades ago when we were in our twenties and within days we were talking to each other about our favourites- books, films, music and food.

You and I spoke of things that were serious and trivial, and formed a bond with common tastes. The first evening was followed by many more tastes and smells that we experienced at the eatery close to our workplace.

You sat beside me for a friendly chat sipping hot coffee in an evening air that smelt of freshly brewed coffee and newly baked bread. It was that book by Robin Sharma that brought you to my mind because I remember how you were so passionate about what you love.

Those days, I think was a transition period because I saw myself transform into a princess and I would spend hours in front of the mirror wondering what you saw in me.

I think it's the magic of those bygone days that come with the smells of hot chocolate and freshly baked bread. And, I remember you because though I am sad that you were never mine, I always wonder how wonderful I have felt with you around me.

Today, your sweet words made me remember our long lost days of togetherness.

#chocolateday

Rose Day

I still remember how you had created a CD with your favourite songs and gave it to me for listening. I think the songs stay in the memory and became my favorite in the coming years. What I have always wanted was to create a playlist for you like the one you had made that year for me.

This year, I think I will listen to these songs on every day of the Valentine week and watch a few chick-flicks to make myself feel good a put on share some really good quotes from memorable books that we used to discuss.

Like the rose that I gifted that year, I will gift you a list of handpicked melodies though it might make you go back in time to our days of togetherness and transport you a  different world like it did to me.

This Rose day brings you back to me again and I celebrate it with old favourites playing in the background. 

Propose Day Playlist

1. Tum Tak

2. Chori Chori jab tumse

3. Pehla nasha

4. Apna Bana le

5. Kabira

6. Perfect

7. Runaway 

8. Malare

9. Jeevamshamayi

10. darshana

Rose Day Playlist

Here are some melodies that stay close to the heart.

 I knew I loved you

2. Aashiyan

3. My dil goes hmmm

4. Pyar Hua Chupke Se

5. Aisa Lagta Hai

6. Ghar Se Nikalte He

7. Banjaara 

8. O Rey Chori

9.Walking in the Moonlight

10. Aradhike

Rose Day: Sacred Spaces

In times of despair and darkness, your soul lingers on a favourite memory for a second and without knowing how or why, there is shift in thinking that realign you to the present. This memory could be a place near the River Green, where you grew up or could be the verdant campus where you studied or your favourite space in your house.

The spaces you love, the view that your balcony offers, your favourite reading space in the drawing room or the serene space you have made for your gods-all become memories to be visited in the mind's eye.

However, my favourite space was my armchair from where I visited many imaginary lands and learnt the magic of written words. The view that this room offered was lovely, with the blue skies and the sight of tall buildings etched across. During the rains, this is the space from where I sang my favourite songs.

Yet my love, you are my favourite sacred space, the one I visit every day, whenever I think of our days of togetherness, the one secret haven where I rest when in strife and where my soul might linger even after I am gone.

You are that sacred space that I will inhabit in the realms of dreams where the bonds of this world don't matter any longer.

Memories

Earlier, life was celebrated fully and these cherished moments were captured on the lens. Most of the time, you loved to stand and stare and wander and find joy in the things around you. For you could watch with delight whatever was offered on the wayside and in your wanderings you came across many sights that always caught your eye. 

Every occasion was marked by countless snaps took on the camera and sometimes even our days of togetherness were treasured memories in small pixels. But with the passage of time, on growing older and wiser and lazier, you have changed a lot and you no longer believe in the power of the lens to capture memorable moments. Now, you want to sit still and enjoy the moment, be mindful and present, taking in the whole experience in its entirety. 

The sights that you see around are captured on your mind’s eye as you savour and record each and every sensory detail- the miracle of your child's first cry, the morning sights on the city roads, the sunsets by the beach and the soothing sight of the waves crashing against the shore, the rhythmic way your wayside shopkeeper makes your favourite pani puri and the countless moments that are too good to be caught on the lens. 

I find that there are moments more cherished than all these, like our days of togetherness though not caught on any lens any day. What you and I try to do is to find the magic of togetherness in the everyday life and beauty in the mundane around us. 

You need to wait so that you and I can set forth on our wanderings and find delight in the solace that nature offers. I wish for more days when we can sit idle near the seashore listening to the soothing music of waves thrashing against the shore or wander in the city basking in the morning light. 

Anyway, I would say you are my favourite movie rerun in my mind's eye, with the smallest details and more precious than any captured moments and I would trade everything just to capture your smile on the lens, with you watching the beauty around you.

Memories

When I was in my twenties, I had this habit of capturing moments on the lens and almost very occasion was marked by the countless snaps took on the camera. But with the passing of years, on growing older, you have changed your nature and you no longer believe in taking snaps to treasure memorable moments. 

Most of the time you want to sit idle and be there in the moment, taking in the experience as a whole with your whole self. Then, you come back to your experience and rerun it in your mind's eye savouring each and every detail- the miracle of your child's first cry, the morning sights on the city roads, the sunsets by the beach and the soothing sight of the waves crashing against the shore, the rhythmic way your wayside shopkeeper makes your favourite pani puri and the countless moments that are too good to be caught on the lens. 

I find that there are moments more cherished than all these, like our days of togetherness though not caught on any lens any day. Anyway, I would say you are my favourite movie rerun in my mind's eye, with the smallest details and more precious than any moment ever caught on the lens. 

My Dream World

I belong to only to you, my dream world- not to the place that I have left as a child, or to my native place, to my father's place which I have left as a child. I do not feel that I belong to my father's family as he is dead and gone long back and what I have left of him are a few scattered bones in a graveyard and some books and diaries that he left behind.

I do not belong to the place I grew up as a child beside the River Green, where it was always fun playing in the river yet I never belonged to my mother's family for there were rightful inheritors who belonged more rightful than me. I do not belong to my extended family for I have blindly followed their traditions and values without questioning them and created a tradition of handing over the acquired culture.

I belong only to you, my dream world and my twin flame, who knows my ups and downs, my feminine spirit and tenderness, my occasional clownishness in trying to belong to some name, some family, some tribe,where I do not belong. Yet in the realm of unreality, it is you who define me, in the sacred space of our togetherness,in the melting down of the barriers between you and me, and the all engulfing tenderness that follows, that is the space where I see myself, as yours having a name that you call me when no one is around and being yours other beloging to any place, tribe or family.

Rain Chants

The sacred space by the temple was created on a platform of red bricks and nearby a saffron-clad priest chanted the ancient chants for rain in high tones. The land was dried up and deviod of any trace of life and the people draped in earth-coloured cottons chanted with the sun scorching their wheat-coloured skins.

The chants reverbrated in the blazing summers and were offered to the gods of the sky and the wind and the people remembered all the occasions when the land was blessed with rain following the rituals. The children from the village played by the dried up temple pond, thinking of the days where they splashed in the cool water, sat idly in the cool recesses of the rocks, or chattering with the juice of ripe mangoes oozing on their hands and faces.

The ancient chanting went on incessantly, in a land of purity, where none could wash or bathe except in the muddy pond waters and the summer  blazed along with the hot afternoons, when none could sleep, for the heat numbed and scorched the earth.

The ancient chants went on praising the rains: oh you rain; much awaited, the boon of heavens,
that brings joy to the earth, wealth to its people,oh you rain, come with thunder and lightning,
and soak our brown skins with delight. Oh rain, the fulfillment of forecasts and incessant prayers,
I invoke you in the names of the barren earth, the dried up rivers and lakes, the animals and birds,the silent trees and the people on earth.

The rains were awaited after the prayers to end the blazing afternoons of summer heat with the first drops of summer rain and you set the warm smell of earth rising and you bedeck trees with jewels like brides, from furnace hot afternoons to nights of restless pace. It is for the rains, incense is burnt and prayers chanted and it is for you, the comforter on hot summer days. The land and the people waited for the comfort offered by the summer rains.

However, on the third day of endless repentance and prayers, grey and white dappled clouds rose to silhouette the sky, with hints of a sudden outburst. With the advent of the rain clouds, the entire city rejoiced as the wait was over.  The days of drought are finally over and the soft rain slushed over the crowd with bolts of thunder and lightning. The people received in open hands stretched to skies what the heavens granted as comfort from the scorching heat of Indian summer.

The rain fell over the blazing holy fire, with the land and the people soaked in the rain and the beaming children screamed at delight when the droplets of rain drenched their bodies. Finally, the prayers of the people were answered and the land was blessed with rain.

 

Desires

When we began our days together, I remember how you mentioned your wants, desires and needs as a man and what couple goals you dreamt of when you thought of us. I think our days were spent in the small details that you imagined for our life together. 

 

I think you chose assurance and I chose unconditional love for what we needed from each other. You wanted understanding for your words and thoughts while I needed a lot of shaking laughter for my clownishness. You wanted a realignment in thinking while I wanted healing for my past wounds. 

 

I know that we come from two different worlds of understanding and at times, you need to understand what the other feels like. You know that there are days when the past wounds hurt too much and I want this bond to stay strife from memories that haunt. 

 

And, I want us to drink love wild from our togetherness yet grow old as individuals learning from perfect love. You want this love to have a future while I want it to become a sacred space of refuge for us. Let the past try to haunt us with pain and strife but we have each other and our moments of perfect bliss.

Grand Rising

I have always carried you in my heart, safe from the prying eyes of the world and even after all these years, I find it surprising that you still remember me in the words you write. When I read your words, a springtime of happy memories flash before my eyes and feel transported to a different time when the heart was lighter and the steps sprightly. 

 

In your words, I read your need to store each and every fond word, every strange fantasy and strangest turn of phrase that I may have said. In them, I see myself attain a beauty that I never knew was mine, a strength that I have recognized only in the latter years. 

 

Sometimes, I wonder whether you will be truly happy cherishing a fond memory which is gone from this world. When I leave this world, I may close my eyes and be gone from this world in an instant. You might wait for me to respond to your voice then find out that the breath had left this mortal body. You might try to call out loud and retrieve my soul from the other world. 

 

In the days that follow, I will have a grand rising in another world. I will appear as the tiny sprout of grass on the ground you tread, or as waves that rise to meet your feet, or the air that blows around you or the raindrops that caress you with tender love. Everyday, I will be sending you letters in sky writing, as clouds that bring you rain and nourishment. And, I will be waiting for you to greet me, good morning!

A December full moon

It's a lovely night in cold December during the Christmas week, your favourite week from childhood. The cold fingers of the moon seeps through the tree branches and the night looks so perfect, so beautiful and no less can capture the lightness that you feel when you look at the night skies. 

You treasure this moment in your memory as a perfect mindful occasion when you look at something outside yourself and you forget your daily bundle of worries for an instant. You forget the world, the reality that offers you reasons not to follow your heart and to listen to your reason. Everything looks perfect this night, including you and I, enjoying the moment forgetting all worries. 

And, you go revisit this beautiful full moon night for this beauty that nature offers, perfect sights

that never fail to astonish- the turquoise blue of the ocean, the fiery skies during sunsets, the soothing cascades of waterfalls, the perfect symmetry of things that you see around. 

And, you rest under this December full moon, singing the songs of the supermoon forgetting all worries as you bask in the light of the cold full moon, celebrating togetherness and learning that love is much beyond sweet words or intimacy. This lesson lasts beyond time and you treasure the wisdom learnt from this beautiful moments for days to come.