diary of a female quixote

Gratitude

translation of the poem nandi by sugathakumari

To the sunbeams beaming on my path, I owe my gratitude.

To the heavy burden that I carry on my shoulders, I owe my gratitude.

To the shade offered by the wayside trees and to the cuckoo on the tree-top, I owe my gratitude.

To the sharp pain that pricked me on the way and to the sun which reddened my eyes, I owe my gratitude.

To the shoulders which lightened the heavy burden I was carrying and to the well on the wayside, I owe my gratitude.

To your kindness for pouring water into my outstretched palms, I owe my gratitude.

To the treacherous gutters of darkness and to the cool moonlight that was there last night, I owe my gratitude.

To the tiny wildflowers spread on the path and to the birdsong that comes from above, I owe my gratitude.

To the never-ending flow of tears from my eyes and to the compassion that never dies, I owe my gratitude.

In the distance, I can see a lamp lit and offered by someone and I spend my time alone looking at this, with nothing to treasure, with no knowledge for sure, with no blossoms, with no morning.

Humming a song, I follow the direction of a tender call from  somewhere and did you stand and listen to that, dear friends?

Gratitude...gratitude...gratitude

#translation
#poem
#sugathakumari

handpicked

You love the colors of the Earth: the brown of mud, the emerald of the leaves, the blue of the sky, the aquamarine of the ocean, the  golden shades of falling leaves and the red of the sun.  Like a connoisseur of shades, you choose from the options available, drapes that are unique and tell you a story. 

Your eyes lock on a saree that tells you a story in a shade that you have always wanted. You look at wonder at how the maiden managed to capture the heart of the one she desired and held his hand throughout his life through life's ups and downs. 

You remember how as a young bride you glowed basking in his love and your heart misses a beat when you remember the response on his face when he sees you draped in a hue that he loves. Then I think of how you look at me when I wear a saree that you like and it is with this gaze of wordless wonder in mind that I choose a drape from the heap of sarees before me. 

You remember his expression when he first saw you as a bride dressed in emerald green and later in chilly red manthrakodi. From the options available, you choose a drape shaded  neelakurinji flowers expecting to see an expression of wordless wonder on his face. 

Best Friend

I haven't had a true friend in years. Some bitter experiences have made me change my nature and I have become a recluse in the few years. I wonder what it means to be close to someone, to be able to say honestly what is there in your mind. 

For years, you depend on yourself when in trouble and you lean on your inner strength rather than finding an ear to your troubles. You counsel and guard yourself out of all situations and often you wonder, am I the only one content with the quiet loneliness and struggles to talk to others frankly and openly? 

Am I the only one who have been hurt by a friend so much that life has never been the same after it? Then, the recompense in such an experience is that you never lean on any shoulder but wait for your heart to give you the answer.

#best friend

#definitions

Kindle Scribe

Best friend

I haven't had a true friend in years. Some bitter experiences have made me change my nature and I have become a recluse in the few years. I wonder what it means to be close to someone, to be able to say honestly what is there in your mind. 

For years, you depend on yourself when in trouble and you lean on your inner strength rather than finding an ear to your troubles. You counsel and guard yourself out of all situations and often you wonder, am I the only one content with the quiet loneliness and struggles to talk to others frankly and openly? 

Am I the only one who have been hurt by a friend so much that life has never been the same after it? Then, the recompense in such an experience is that you never lean on any shoulder but wait for your heart to give you the answer.

Clear the clutter

Once in a while, you need to make that distinction between the essentials and the unwanted clutter in your life. You need to simplify your needs so that you can live a life of contentment and peace. You can give away what you do not need to people who might need them.

In the physical sphere, you need to move out old furniture and create a new workspace or giveaway old clothes so that you can buy new ones. In the emotional sphere, you need to distance yourself from negative people in your life and make new friends who are supportive and loving. Therefore, take time to clear your space so that you can welcome new energy and creativity.

#adailycupofwisdom
#cleartheclutter

forgiveness

Nourishment

The Lovers

The Lovers 

You are my soul mate, my twinflame though we have had a very difficult relationship with each other. When I look at you, it is often like I am seeing myself in a mirror. 

There are times when we come together and the world looks new and happy, full of reasons to celebrate. We enjoy our days of togetherness just like when we were young without feeling the need to possess each other. 

You are that missing piece that I crave for in the days of absence and it is the same desire to be with you that is kindled with one look from your searching eyes. These times of togetherness last as memories to savour on ordinary days. And, I know that this love has defied definitions and has become a sanctuary to rest in. 

#love

#twinflamereunion

#unconditionallove

The Fool

The Fool

You are a child of the universe frolicking like a lamb in the sun.
You soak indulgently in the sights, smells, tastes, sounds and the senses of nature without a care in the world, forgetting time and forgetting the fact that there are so many things you need to do in order to stay in the rat race called life.

You pause time and travel non-linear through its mazes, making sense of the past, the present and the future. You journal and involve yourself in automatic writing or create art so that you can make meaning out of this jigsaw puzzle of unconnected events that you call life.

You are full of naivete and you are inexperienced in the ways of the world yet you move forward unhesitantly without thinking much about what you are about to do. And, your confidence in the rightness of your decisions takes you forward in life. 

The Moon

You know the world of knowledge offered by books and the wisdom of experience shared by the elders.The world around you is huge and overwhelming yet there is this quiet voice that tells you what to you do at every turn on the road. 

This inner voice tells you what to do when presented with options, it whispers magic that your five senses might not understand. It communicates to you wisdom that comes from past lives and from the spiritual world. 

Through the cycles of the moon, it teaches you the rhythms of nature and the laws of setting intentions into motion. It always guides you forward by showing you dreams and then by letting you find the meaning of your dreams. It tells you to stay afloat in the sea of uncertainties just by trusting your inner voice. 

#themoon

#intuition

#spiritualworld

The Sun

You are like a child, carefree and happy taking pleasure in the sights and sounds of nature. The sacred powers of this universe watches over each and every step you take, guarding you at all times especially during strife.

There are right or wrong paths in this universe. One wrong step might have led you across miles only to reach at a previous crossroad and you think of the difference that time has brought with it. For you are a child of this mighty universe and everything comes to you at the right moment.

In the certain knowledge of being loved and protected by the Universe, you glow with pride and you are contented. 

Medicine

The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying

An interesting book that I recently came across is the spiritual classic The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. It is quite rare to encounter books that offer you spiritual wisdom that helps you come to terms with two tough realities; life and death. Here, Sogyal Rinpoche offers you words of enlightenment that helps you see both life and death in a new light. 

Sogyal Rinpoche is one of the enlightened leaders of Tibetan Buddhism and was born in Kham in Eastern Tibet. He was recognised as the reincarnation of Terton Sogyal Lerab Lingpa, teacher to the thirteenth Dalai lama. His lifelong effort has been to make Tibetan Buddhism understandable to the common believers across the world.

In this book, he expresses with clarity and eloquence, the ancient wisdom of Tibet that has survived the test of time. He speaks of life and death with the same importance and describes how the Tibetan monks accept both with simplicity and open-mindedness. Despite of cultural differences, a reader might be interested in the Tibetan practices of life and death.

The preoccupation with death is a common theme in spiritual literature. However, in this book, Rinpoche speaks of death as an ultimate reality that everyone had to face and the ways in which we can prepare for our death, just like changing your clothes when they are worn out, as His Holiness the Dalai Lama says in his Foreword to the book. The writer speaks of the ways to understand the meaning of life, how to accept death and how to help the dying and the dead. 

According to the Buddhist belief system, you will be reincarnated based on your karma and your state of mind at the time of death can influence the quality of your next rebirth. One tradition the Buddhist have is to achieve a peaceful death and help others achieve a peaceful death. Usually, death is treated with disdain in many cultures but the Buddhists embrace death with equanimity. However,the book reinforces the need to offer spiritual help for the dying so that they can die peacefully and in a state of contentment with life. It also helps one to live with mindfulness and compassion.

Seed Cycling

Seed Cycling and its benefits 

Seed Cycling is a wellness habit that support hormone balance in a simple manner. In today's world, most women suffer from hormonal imbalances and health issues such as PMS, irregular menstruation, acne, PCOS, thyroid disease and chronic fatigue. 

   

It is a natural medication for regulating women's reproductive hormones. It is very useful at any stage of a woman's life including postmenopausal stage. 

You need to intake a regular quantity of seeds daily for three months in order to get best results from this process. The seeds should be consumed raw and freshly grounded seeds can be added to warm water, cornflakes or milkshakes. The seeds have hormone regulating properties and helps maintain estrogen and progestrone levels in the body. 

The seeds that are used during the follicular phase or the first stages of menstruation are flaxseed and pumpkin seed. Zinc in pumpkin seeds promotes progesterone production in the body and the phytoestrogens in flaxseed helps to bind the excess estrogen and remove it from the body. You can take flaxseed and pumpkin seed from the first day of your menstrual cycle and this helps in the curing of many fertility problems that women face today. 

You can take sunflower seeds and sesame seeds during the luteal phase- from the beginning of your fertile period. During this time, your progesterone levels increase and the body is ready for fertilization. Sesame seeds block excess estrogen and they are rich in zinc and selenium. Sunflower seeds are rich in Vitamin E and  Linolenic acid, both of which boost progesterone. 

This healthy habit of seed cycling can help you achieve a better reproductive cycle by maintaining a normal estrogen and progesterone level. It makes use of the healing properties of food to cure these reproductive ailments naturally. 

You can read more about it from The Simple Guide to Seed Cycling for Hormone Balance: Master this Natural Healing Habit to Reduce PMS, Improve Fertility, and Ease Menopause Written by Sadie Cook

#seedcycling

#sunflowerseeds 

#pumpkinseeds

#sesameseeds

#flaxseeds 

#womenshealth

Word addiction

I think during my childhood and growing years, I have had this strange habit of reading while having food. It was an interesting habit especially of savouring the food and the words at the same time. At times, this was a way of getting past the reality of bland food during Lent times. Staying vegetarian for around fifty-six long days was unbearable in childhood though one had to do it out of obedience. However, on growing up, this religious habit of staying away from non-vegetarian food became completely out of fashion.

Even in my twenties, I would reach out for pickle jars on the dining table just for reading the print so that I keep myself occupied while eating. It's not that I don't know what's in the pickle; I guess it's a habit or rather an addiction to printed words. This might extend to the information on creams, food products, cleaning solutions, toothpastes and so on. There are some curious instances where one might encounter an error and burst out laughing just like when I read the label on a face cleanser: Apply on a cotton pad every morning. Or boards on the road like the one for the Dry-Cleaning Shop that reads Dying, Cleaning and others. 

Then there are some days of reading spree, when one might abandon connections with the external world so that one might step into the magical world of books. After buying a kindle reader in 2017, this habit of reading has become so addictive as one can read whenever you want whatever you want. One looks with pride at the verbal worlds explored and the journeys made, all sitting at your favourite armchair.

This act of stepping into the unknown can bring unexpected delights, such as feeling the touch of earth on your feet, remembering the feel of how the bark of a tree or your lover's limbs felt like on your soft hands or relishing the game of lovemaking with the one you love. It might bring unexpected delights from nature such as the pleasant full moonlight night or cascades of flowing water or the fresh life-giving air of verdant canopies. But the memory of a world full of adventure that you read in a book beckons you  to a world similar to the one  Lucy stepped into right from her wardrobe. 

Empath: The Essential Guide to Developing Your Psychic Abilities, Protecting Your Energy and Thriving as a Sensitive Person in an Overstimulating World

Empath: The Essential Guide to Developing Your Psychic Abilities, Protecting Your Energy and Thriving as a Sensitive Person in an Overstimulating World by Vica Maya 

One of the problems that affect a person in today’s world is an overburdening of negative energy that you receive from surroundings and from the people you meet. This can create emotional imbalances especially if the person is very sensitive. Now, in her book, Empath: The Essential Guide to Developing Your Psychic Abilities, Protecting Your Energy and Thriving as a Sensitive Person in an Overstimulating World , the author Vica Maya points out some of the techniques that can be used by empaths in order to protect your energy and to find balance in a life filled with unforeseen negativity and trauma. 

Who is an empath? An empath is someone who is highly sensitive to the emotions and energy of others; more correctly an emotional sponge as Dr. Judith Orloff says. Empathy means the ability to walk a mile in someone’s shoes and it denotes the ability to understand what the other person is experiencing. When you are empathetic to people in need of your support, you are doing a good deed but you might put others before you and might suffer from distress as a result. This might lead to a burnout as you might be drained of your emotional energy. Here, in her book Vica Maya, throws light into the personality of an empath as a giver and not a taker leading to certain amounts of distress and discomfort emotionally and physically. 

In the book, Vica Maya speaks of ways in ways the lost energy can be replenished through various methods such as getting touch with yourself and by reconnecting yourself to the natural world. She gives some wonderful methods to protect your energy and to heal yourself by surrounding yourself with love and light. So rather than getting completely exhausted by absorbing the negative energy around you, you can create a balance by replenishing yourself by cleansing your aura or by spending some alone time or by meditating. So, the key to preventing burn-out is by getting recharged through flow activities or by spending time in nature. 

She also points out how many of the empaths though burdened by oversensitivities are blessed with psychic abilities such as clairvoyance, clairsentience, clairaudience and claircognizance. She describes the ways in which an empath can channel into the energy of the Universe and can live guided by trusting one’s intuition. 

Nature has the power to heal all the wounds of negativity and the author lists an interesting set of techniques to replenish your emotional energy. She also speaks of the ways in which an empath can create strong boundaries and heal oneself emotionally and spiritually. This self-help book is not just another book that you will read and forget; it is more like a workbook that can read again and again in order to find ways to connect with your heart’s wisdom and to the natural world. It is a must read for sensitive people as it helps you understand your personality and talks of the ways to regain your positivity in a today’s busy world.  

Summer Rains

In the rising heat of April, you dream of the monsoons, the waterbodies that give you comfort and tall glasses of cool and tasty drinks that offer you solace. You read up old lores on how the ancient Indian musician Tansen made rain with his raga Megh Malhar and the power of music to bring about change in nature. And, there you are lost watching a video online of an Indian musician sitting under a banyan tree singing this raga and in ten minutes, it starts raining all of a sudden. 

On the way back from work, you look with longing at the river nearby and long to immerse yourself in its soothing waters till you no longer remember the sizzling heat of summer. In the orchards, you watch how the waterspouts drizzle the plants to prevent them from turning wan. And, you long to play in the water like you did in a long lost childhood near the River Green. 

The fruit heaps on the wayside shop beckon you with their fragrances-guavas, watermelons, lime and mangoes. When you look at these and think of the cool sorbets that you can make with crushed ice and some mint leaves. Yet, sometimes when no fruits are available, usually resort to your traditional summer drink of buttermilk that you enjoy making at home mixing the right amounts of buttermilk, shallots  ginger, curry leaves, jeera powder and salt. And, you wonder how some simple ingredients available at home can create a magical drink that makes you forget the woes of this scorching season. 

In the lazy evenings, you smear yourself with turmeric and sandalwood in a routine to beat the heat. The sun shows on your face and in the exposed parts of your body way too much and the paste cools you down and you prepare for your nightly sleep, though you might have to get up and pour water on yourself twice or thrice in the night to do so. 

In this summer tedium, one longs for the beats of the monsoon,the warm smell of rising earth during the first rain, the lazy mornings when one sleeps in when you don't have to go anywhere and just like that in this between time of twilight, when the lamps are lit for prayer and prayers chanted in the temples, one dreams of home, of being one with you. My heart reaches for you in these eons of absence with a longing that I have never known before when I remember how during twilight, we would enjoy our moments of togetherness. Like one longs for rain in this summer tedium, I long for our days of togetherness. 

You remember rain- the sudden outburst, the sound of pitter-patter beating against the tin roof, the occasional thunderbolts, the celebration of earth brimming with life and trees bedecked with jewels like brides. And, after the furnace-hot afternoons to nights of restlessness, it rains and you step right into the rain humming the rain raga. This sudden downpour makes you dream of your love and get goosebumps on your skin when you remember your first walk in the rain with him. He comes in your midnight dreams with unspoken desires and emotions that still have to find a way to form into words. 

Yet, we were never meant to be together in life, for we came from two different worlds of understanding and never really spoke the same language. What is left of a beautiful summer love are some lovely memories and so many million words written in absence scattered across the yearly journals. Though you are not mine to own, you are the first one whom I called mine and you have walked with me everywhere ever since. And, in every round around the fire that I dreamt of, yours was the hand I held and you were there in every dream speaking the language of the heart even in the wordless silences. 

Yet, though lost, the memory of this young love can give an understanding about how this love would remain a window to the beauty of this world, like a chocolate bar that you savour alone too good to share it with others. And, you remember how you learnt the secrets of this life through an infinite longing to be with your love and how the same life spirit that runs through all beings gives you an understanding that there is no distance, no separation, no barrier between you and the one you love till the end of time. And, this summer tedium of absence may dampen your spirits and may last every lifetime you are born, you get a sense of recompense from remembering that this lost love is the most perfect thing that ever happened in your otherwise uneventful life. 

Chingamasam

For the whole year, I was looking forward to this month of Chingam, where I get to spend ten of my lovely days in my home near the River Pamba. It is our holiday taken out of the books, where we enjoy a quiet retreat from the hustle and bustle of the crowded city where we live. From where we live, we can hear the high spirits of the echoing boatsongs from the snakeboats dashing through the river.

We wander around like tourists looking at the sights, smells and sounds that have denied to us to the place where we live in---the noise of the cicadas at night, the fragrant jasmines at the window that beckons you at night, the September full moon peeping through the horizon in our night rides, the grandstyle of the chundanvallams as they make a run through the river Pamba and the touch of rain on our skins as we stand immersed in the river. And, to tell the River Pamba as you stand hollering in its waters, that you are home once again.

For me, I love this much-awaited time spent at my ancestral home, the place I was born. I just love the memories of Onam from childhood, where this was the time when one went frolicking in the water waiting for the palliyodams to show their power. On growing up, it meant eating out onam delicacies to your heart's content and relaxing after a long luxuriant bath daily for ten whole days- learning how to rewind and relax after a long days of hectic work.

It means going back to your roots and learning how to make the traditional curries from scratch though you never reach the perfection of your grandmother's tasty curries. It means the art of letting go of the modern trends that you learnt in your growing years to appreciate the taste of food handed over through generations. This effort of making traditional dishes from memories slowly grows into a personal recipe book as well, with special additions of favourites that we enjoyed.

We wake up early in the twilight time and enjoy our morning coffee outside. Often, we wander across the green fields nearby taking in the breathtaking loveliness of the morning sights. Even the bird formations and the ducks swaddling delight us and our pixels. During dusk, we listen to the sounds of the insects and see the birds flying home in perfect formation. And, we listen to the gurgling of the stream nearby.

The days of our togetherness are marked with identical shades of kasavu saree and kasavu mundu and shirt. I wear strings of jasmine on my hair and darken my eyes with kohl. After the sumptous Onam feast made with the help from the whole family, we rest together like the ancient king and his demure queen. You sing the old boatsongs in your mellow voice and I sing along like a beginner as usual. Like, newly weds we learn the art of togetherness though it's been quite some decades. And, this is the Onam that we might know till the end of our lives.